Footnotes

So here's the thing:

For an angry guy who leans Jewish, I don't hate Christmastime as much as you would expect. I just put up the tree at work (1) and I find Christmas lights hypnotizing (2). I also don't mind not going to work on Jesus' fake birthday.

I enjoy the music too... the excessive sappiness, the nostalgia for times that never existed, and the way radio stations have to pretend they aren't actually playing the same eight songs over and over again.

But here's the thing:

After years of careful observation, note-taking, and unnecessary crouching (3), I'm ready to put the final touches on my masterpiece theory.

Ready?

No really, are you ready?

I'm fairly certain that Jingle Bell Rock and Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree are the same song.

Now, before you dredge up the same old hackneyed and stale arguments (4), listen to what I've found:

Nothing.


Yep, nothing. Nothing but a hunch. But it's a strong hunch. And a hunch that I'll defend until I forget about it.

Nonetheless, this year I will, for the first time ever, keep track of the number of times I hear JBR and RATCT. The way I figure it, whichever one wins will be the winner. And the other will be dead to me (5).

Let the battle for the rocking-est Christmas song begin!

Sham-on!




1. While I was doing it, the only other Jew in the office jokingly told me I wasn't allowed to put it up. She said she would tell my parents and that I should be ashamed of myself. Calmly and rationally, though, and in a tone befitting the work environment, I explained to her that it was the least I could do; after what we did to their god.

2. They tell me to stop touching myself. Or at least to get back in the car.

3. Crouching Mark, Hidden Outdated Reference.

4. Number one most over-used argument: They're different songs.

5. It's very hard to enforce some 'dead to me' rules. Especially without making things actually dead.